Christmas According to Skywarp
by Dark Star of Chaos
Summary: Only Skywarp could get the facts more or less right, and still come up with something crazy.


**Well, it took longer than I'd hoped, but here it is: Proof that I can write humor in addition to darker stories. No warnings, just Seekers fighting, telling stories, and generally having a good time!**

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><p>"I don't know <em>how<em> I let you talk me into this," Starscream complained as he and Thundercracker flew after Skywarp. "I've got better things to do with my time than _waste_ it flying circles around the arctic. I'm an officer, you know, my free time isn't divided into nice tidy chunks like yours is! _I_ have to be ready for duty even when I'm _off_-duty! I should be back at base where it's _warm_, not out here icing over!"

"If it helps," Thundercracker interrupted wearily, "I'm not happy about you being here either."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Starscream demanded. "Because I don't _have_ to be here, you know. After all, _I'm_ not the one who decided to drag my Trinemates out in the _freezing cold_ and do a few laps around an _iceberg! Skywarp's_ the one who did that, and I only agreed to come because Megatron will have my wings if he loses two of his best soldiers to stupidity! If I had _my_ way, I'd be nice and warm at the bottom of the ocean, _not_ collecting ice crystals!"

"Starscream, are you cold?"

"Oh, of _course_ not. I just like to hear myself talk!"

"Well, we already knew that."

_"Why you..!"_

"I don't get it," Skywarp commented, oblivious to the silver-white F-15 dropping out of formation behind him. "I thought for sure we'd be there by now." He checked his navigation system, not seeing the blue jet peel away with the silver one close behind, and made a frustrated sound. "We _are_ there, but this doesn't look anything like what they show on TV. Maybe it's a malfunction?"

Thundercracker shot straight up in the background, only to fall backwards and shoot straight back down when his faster, more agile pursuer appeared above him. Starscream streaked after him, while a humming Skywarp absently ran a systems check.

"Nope, everything's working fine," he said. "Maybe it just looks weird from up here. We should take a closer look."

The words were barely out before a blue shape darted by just below him, followed a moment later by a silver shape just above. Surprised and amused, Skywarp watched as Starscream caught up with Thundercracker and transformed, landing heavily on the other jet and sending them both towards the ground. The blue Seeker transformed as well, but he was firmly on the bottom a short grapple later, when they crashed loudly into the ice.

"Three points!" Skywarp crowed, dropping down beside his Trinemates and grinning broadly. "Starscream wins by a knockout! I guess that's why you're Air Commander, huh?"

Starscream replied with a sound that was somewhere between a growl and a groan, not moving except for a spastic twitch from his wings. Thundercracker didn't even do that, but his frame was reinforced to withstand the sonic booms he created, so he was probably fine. Certainly better off than Starscream would have been if _he'd_ been on the bottom.

Eventually the red and silver Seeker moved again, slowly untangling himself from Thundercracker, then flopping over on his back. Scarlet optics focused on Skywarp for a moment, then shut off as their owner groaned again.

"Just what I _don't_ need," Starscream muttered. "Two of you."

"Look at the bright side," Skywarp said, crouching next to his dazed Trineleader. "You wiped out Thundercracker. You know, you should do stuff like that more often. Have fun, learn to live a little. Maybe then you wouldn't be so eager to commit suicide by Megatron!" He sniggered at his own joke, while Starscream gave him a reproachful look.

"If violent collisions with the landscape are 'living', I think it would kill me," he said. "At least Megatron can be reasoned with."

"Oh, is _that_ what you call it. It always sounded like begging to me." Skywarp said, smiling innocently at the other Seeker, who glared back.

"I would kill you if I hadn't just broken every strut in my body."

"Same to you," Thundercracker growled, catching the pair's attention. He sat up with apparent effort and gave Starscream a dark look, which was met by a sullen one.

"You started it," Starscream muttered petulantly, making no attempt to sit up himself. "You're just bitter because I outflew you."

"I'm bitter because you crashed us into the ice," Thundercracker snapped back. "I'm not Ramjet, you know. I'm not built to slam into things for fun."

"How do you think I feel?" Starscream demanded, raising his hands, then letting them drop. "Your armor is tougher than mine!"

"Well, maybe if you weren't getting yourself beat up all the time, your own armor would be stronger. All those welds weaken your structure, did you know that?"

Starscream growled, which wasn't particularily threatening with his vocals, and heaved himself upright. "Are you questioning my intelligence?"

"More like your sanity," Thundercracker huffed, folding his arms over a cracked cockpit. "Were you aware that humans define insanity as doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results? Does that remind you of anything?"

"That's it, you're history!" Starscream pulled his legs up and rocked forward, landing in a crouch, but that was as far as he got before Skywarp scrambled between them, arms outstretched.

"Hey, wait a minute!" the black and purple Seeker exclaimed. "We can't fight here! This is sacred ground."

That statement was absurd enough to distract both his Trinemates from their argument. Thundercracker frowned as though he was now worried about Skywarp's sanity as well, and Starscream stared at the other flier in bewilderment for several seconds before saying, "Wait, what?"

"Yeah, see, this land is sacred to Santa Claus," Skywarp said, tapping his fingers together. "He's got this whole thing about naughty and nice, and fighting's generally naughty, and I _really_ think doing it on his turf is a bad idea. So can you guys just... I don't know, talk it out or something?"

Dead silence. Starscream rocked back to sit in the snow again, then looked at a gaping Thundercracker. The blue Seeker slowly turned his head to stare back, then both returned their gazes to the fidgeting Skywarp. Once again, Starscream was the first to speak up. "Skywarp, _what_ are you talking about?"

"What, you don't know about Santa?" Skywarp asked, looking back and forth at his wingmates. He looked horrified when two negative head shakes was his answer. "How can you _not_ know about Santa? He's, like, a human god or something!"

"Oh, well. That clears things up," Starscream said, disappointed. He settled his aching body back into the snow with a small wince and crossed his legs, folding his hands on his cockpit. "I have no use for humans, and even less use for gods."

"How do you know about him anyway?" Thundercracker asked, finally recovering his voice.

"TV," Skywarp replied simply. "Frenzy showed me how to hack into the humans' entertainment networks so I don't get bored on monitor duty."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Starscream muttered, shutting off his optics. Thundercracker glared at him, clearly remembering his many complaints about the cold, then vented a sigh and shook his head.

"So what's the story then?" he asked, looking back to Skywarp. "You seem kind of freaked out."

"Actually, most of it's pretty good!" the dark Seeker said, perking up. "Well, some of it isn't. But a lot of it is really cool! See, the humans spend a whole month celebrating this holiday called Christmas, and it's all about worshipping Santa Claus. It's a religious holiday, that's how I figured out he's a god. That and he knows when people have been good or bad, and that's something gods do, right? I think he's deaf though, because he can't hear them praying. If humans want something they have to send him a letter. Anyway, Christmas is all about pleasing Santa so he'll bring a lot of stuff on Christmas Eve."

"Oh please," Starscream scoffed, activating one optic. "That right there tears your god theory to pieces. What kind of god shows up on a specific day to just _give_ people what they want?"

"Well, this one does," Skywarp said firmly. "On Christmas Eve he travels all around the world and fills out the lists he gets."

Starscream offlined his optic again with a grunt, feigning indifference. He would never admit that he was listening intently, eagerly soaking up this new information. Sure it was a load of scrap, but most stories were. They all had a basis in fact though, and one never knew what could be learned about a culture by listening to their myths and legends.

Besides, he wasn't about to let _Skywarp_, of all mechs, walk around knowing something he didn't.

"So how do humans go about pleasing him?" Thundercracker asked to get Skywarp back on track. The other Seeker frowned, then grinned.

"Oh, right! This is a good part. What they do is give each other stuff. Because if they're not good, they don't get what they want, right? So they spend the whole month being nice to each other and giving people gifts they hate, but no one says they hate them because that would cost them stuff they _do_ want. They decorate their houses too, so Santa can see them when he's flying over-"

"What, he can fly too?" Starscream asked lazily.

"Nah. It's the reindeer that do that."

Starscream's optics flashed on, and he sat up suddenly enough to make the other two jump. _"What_ did you just say?" he demanded shrilly.

"Didn't I mention?" Skywarp asked innocently. "Santa travels in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. I guess you were right, huh?"

"I- But- You- He-"

"Anyway," Skywarp turned back to Thundercracker while their Trinemate spluttered. "He shows up at night, when everyone's asleep. But they leave him offerings of milk and cookies, and if he likes them, he might leave more stuff. And when morning comes, people spend the whole day celebrating to thank him. Except for bad people. They get coal, and that sounds to me like he's telling them to go to the Pit, you know? And if a god says that, that's pretty much where you're going..."

"Is that why you didn't want us fighting here?" Thundercracker asked.

"Well, yeah! If he tells people to go to the Pit just for being bad, what do you think he'd do if someone was bad on holy ice?"

"Enough about that," Starscream said, giving Skywarp's near wing a small tug. "What do you know about the reindeer? How many are there? How do they fly? I want _details!"_

"Eight reindeer," Skywarp replied, happy to explain something to Starscream for once, instead of the other way around. "I think it's only the ones with horns that can fly, and they do it using magic."

Starscream shook his head, releasing the black wing. "Skywarp, 'magic' is just a catchall term for anything people don't understand. Just because no one's figured out how they do it, that doesn't make it magic."

Skywarp shot Thundercracker an exasperated look. "Scientists," he said in a what-can-you-do tone. "Okay then. How do you explain how he knows when people are good or bad? He even knows whether they're asleep or not!"

"How do you think Soundwave always knows what's going on?" Starscream asked rhetorically. "He's probably got the whole planet bugged and the satellites under surveillance."

"Jeez, you make him sound like a criminal or something," Skywarp said, receiving a flat look in return.

"He breaks into houses and probably takes as much as he leaves. Doesn't that sound like criminal behavior to you? But more importantly, what were we doing flying around his airspace to begin with? How do we know those reindeer aren't territorial?"

"I dunno. I just wanted to see the North Pole, 'cause that's where Santa lives. But it's no fun to go exploring alone, and I thought since we were all off-duty at the same time, we could check it out. But I guess we might as well go home. There's nothing out here but snow and ice."

Skywarp emphasised his point by scooping up a handful of loose snow and letting it fall, looking fairly miserable. Thundercracker gave Starscream an accusatory glare, which was countered by an offended frown. After several seconds the red and silver Seeker sighed, wings drooping slightly, and looked at Skywarp.

"You know," he said slowly, "there are three different north poles, and two of them move around. I think he's more likely to live at the geological pole than the magnetic one."

Skywarp looked up, an expression of amazement on his face. "Are you saying we spent an hour circling the wrong place?"

"Unfortunately."

The dark Seeker immediately sprang to his feet, bouncing eagerly. "Well, come on then, let's go!" Which way to the North Pole?" His head turned this way and that, as though he was searching for a signpost, while the others exchanged another glance.

"And here I thought _your_ mood could change quickly," Thundercracker commented. Starscream just grunted, and the pair climbed to their feet as well.

A few minutes later the three Seekers were in the air again, this time with Starscream in the lead. Skywarp chattered happily, going into more detail about the things humans did to please Santa Claus. But after a time he interrupted himself with, "So what do you guys think? Is it a great story or what?"

Starscream grunted again. "I think if I want to listen to religious nonsense, I'll talk to Sunstorm," he said. But there was no real bite to the words, so Skywarp just sniggered.

"Maybe I should tell _him_ about all this. That would be fun!"

"Only if you think being blasted into radioactive particles for blasphemy is 'fun'," Thundercracker said. "Sunstorm is even crazier than Starscream."

"I am _not_ crazy!" Starscream snapped.

"Hundreds of failed takeover attempts say you're certifiable."

"It's called _tenacity_, Thundercracker. And it _hasn't_ been hundreds of attempts."

"One hundred sixty-eight. That's close enough."

"Don't make me come after you again!"

"I like turtles," Skywarp interjected cheerfully.

"If you smash me into the ice again, I'll disassemble you."

_"I_ didn't do that. If you had focused on flying instead of transforming to attack me, it wouldn't have happened!"

"Well, excuse me for not wanting a madmech on my back!"

"Alright, you asked for it!" Starscream spun sharply to one side, missing Thundercracker only because the blue jet abruptly slowed down. A moment later he raised his nose and shot by above his briefly confused Trineleader.

"Get back here!" Starscream screeched, taking off after him.

"Hey, wait up!" Skywarp called. "What about the North Pole? We're still going, right? Guys?" Frowning inwardly, the black jet followed along behind his erratically flying wingmates.

"...Can I at least join the fun?"

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><p><strong>Ten minutes later.<strong>  
>"What's going on down there?" Inferno asked, staring out Skyfire's window at the ground about a mile below. Three small, winged shapes, two dark and one light, could be seen moving around in the snow. Before either Skyfire or Red Alert could answer, however, the darkest shape launched into the air, taking on the familiar form of an F-15 Eagle. Two more Eagles went after the first, flying through convoluted patterns as they tried to catch it.<p>

"What are they doing?" Skyfire wondered as Skywarp fled his Trinemates. "Fighting?"

"I'm not sure," Red Alert replied. "I don't think they're firing on each other, but what else could they be doing?"

He'd barely finished when a rumbling _boom_ echoed up from below. Skywarp wobbled, disoriented, as Starscream shot out from his safe place behind Thundercracker and slammed into the black jet. A small explosion of snow marked Skywarp's collision with the ground, while the remaining Seekers fell in side by side, looping into what was unmistakably a victory lap.

"Maybe that's their idea of fun?" Inferno suggested doubtfully.

"Or maybe Skywarp crashed them first," Red Alert said. "Let's just go. I want to talk to this 'Santa Claus' about spying and breaking into homes."

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><p><strong>And there you have it. Skywarp's heavily commercialized and not entirely inaccurate version of Christmas. Hope you enjoyed!<strong>

**To _Unleashed_ fans, the next chapter is about half finished. If at all possible, I hope to have it posted by the end of the year. But if real life conspires against me, look for it in early January. **  
><strong>Happy Holidays, everyone!<strong>


End file.
